You Want To Hug Me. You Want To Kiss Me. You Want To Marry Me.

Life is where it needs to be right now.
As I walked between the Titan shops and TSU foodcourt, that little breezeway draped in flowers, I found my favorite scent.
It came from those little white flowers that vaguely resemble a bush draped across the overpass.
The smell was nostalgic yet sweet and powerfully refreshing.
It was a scent that one could be taken in by without fear of a headache or allergy attack.
It was perfect.
It was beautiful.
It made my running late go away and allowed me to meander through the passageway.
Also, it increased my growingly creepy love of CSUF.
I love everything about it, from the campus to the classes, the teachers, and the staff.
I love it and what it represents and what if provides.
And, I am finally unafraid to get what I want and KNOW that I will succeed.
Before, anxiety used to overwhelm me when given leadership, but now I flourish.
I look for leadership positions or simply to lend a hand.
I have found my place in the world and at the present time, it's right here in Fullerton.
I am in love and it is one more important than any other.
I am in love with the person I have become, and that has become a lot for me.
I can say that I like something about myself without questioning it's basis.
I am secure in my words and decisions, and choose to never again question my friendships.
I know am aware that I too can decide the outcome of an event, and I will ensure it will be great.
I look forward to this upcoming summer and fall.
I look forward to being the person I have become.
But most importantly, I look forward to showing each and every one of you the person I have become.
I am not the friend you once knew, I am the resulting success.
Wanna succeed with me?

So, I've come to decide that today will be a very fascinating day. Not only have I not slept in a number of hours, I feel almost more in tune with my body. On the way here (to class), I felt every bump and dip so keenly that I almost swore my tires were falling off. Now, as I sit here in my obnoxiously orange t-shirt, hoping that the "finals look" is acceptable during finals, praying my head explodes before the pain gets worse, I know it is going to be an awkward day. I dread going to see my friends.
I think it may be because I resented them yesterday, and I am afraid that I will feel that way today. I am seeing their faults and labeling them toxic before they can make me toxic. I am completely aware that it is a defense mechanism that kicks in around this time, but I take comfort in new relationships and only hope that my newer relationships will provide balance. I have gotten to the point where every thought I've turned to the back of my mind is turning its back on me and I am paying for it physically. I am hating my every move, overwhelmed by nausea, and sick to my stomach. I hope this ends soon because I know it's all mental. But I am losing that luminous happiness I held for no particular reason.
I hope it won't continue on too long.



FU[llerton]CK
Mel

So, I left telling myself that it is too immature for me. That I can't have my feelings decided by a highschool state of mind. Nor could I allow myself to have no sense of awareness. I don't have crushes. Nor do I allow myself to be taken in my simple interests. I hate that you've made me question that. I am bothered by this feeling and I cannot determine it. I hate that I didn't want to be around you, yet I constantly drifted your way. I am disgusted by your close-minded, discriminatory ways, yet they disappear whenever I look in your eyes. I have never stared into someone's eyes, so deeply, for so long before...and we're only friends. You look like you're trying to find something, and I look for a reason not to see it. You allude to finding me attractive, yet I feel hideous when I'm around you. You openly call me "sexy" but I don't take it seriously. I put it into the folder of my mind labeled 'high school' and move on, like I've done since those wretched years.
I hate that when I saw the moon on my way home and immediately wondered if you saw it too when you left. I am listening to disgusting emo songs wondering if you fit that other half of the song. I feel like you could fit that other half of the song. WHAT A JOKE! I've been asked out this week by someone I genuinely liked, but it didn't even phase me until right now, because you are on the front burner of my heart. I HATE THAT. You make me question myself and I HATE THAT. You make me push myself, which I appreciate, but I sometimes feel I do it for the wrong reasons. And other times it is the sweetest thing when we stare into each others eyes, like we do, and I am overwhelmed by encouragement. It's as though you are sending me your emotions through your stare. I HATE IT. You calmly, appreciatively, sweetly hold me up, literally and figuratively. You've taught me things, and that is so grossly attractive. You test me and make me stressed out and make me question myself and force me to realize that no person really knows themselves as well as I thought I did myself and you teach me and you make me uncomfortable and you make me myself and you make me sick and you make me so happy. But we are nothing. I don't understand. And so, here I sit, hating everything about you and everything I feel, but I know that if you were with me I would be content. I wouldn't be stressed out. I could not be anywhere near as uncomfortable as I am.

I hate that I know you. And most of all, I hate that I am not in a place to ever think that I would have a chance, nor could I allow one. Why do I do this to myself?

Now that that is out, I will sleep, wake up early, and be over you. You will be a heartstring tugged ever so slightly when we stare, like we do. But it will be nothing more than an injury we'll work to recover.

I think I have a problem. It's gotten to the point where people are no longer people, but judgement, following my every move. I no longer have control. I never had control.
I am not to the point where I think of nothing but this sin, but when given the opportunity, i divulge. Now, I do not see friends, I do not see coworkers. I see bodies. Not in the sexually driven, lustfully obsessed way that bodies are normally viewed, but in the painfully realistic way. I see my enemies. I see what I hope to one day be. I am tired of being the fat girl out. I know, I know, no one makes me the fat girl out...but I see it in their eyes. I hear their judgmental whispers as I walk out of rooms and the questioning glares as I shop for clothing. I cannot find solace in the idea that there are those out there larger than me, for I find that hardly believable.
I don't want to fight with it anymore. Nor do I want to think about my hideous self any longer. This is my only insecurity. This is my only vice. This is my only REAL pain. And I am tired of feeling this way.

Do not respond.
Mel

As of late, my life has transformed from a tumultuous uphill climb to a series of steps. Unlike the latter, I was first forced to tackle a mountain I, at times, felt I was unsuitable to conquer. Then, as step after step became more level, the life I had constructed finally became something to be worked on/with, rather than against. I can honestly boast from atop any tall structure that I am happier than I have ever been in the entirety of my 19 years on Earth. Every morning I am refreshed (in a spiritual/emotional sense) and greeted by an unbelievably more beautiful day. The world has quieted around me and I can finally hear the chorus everyone had been speaking of. It sings of a new day and a better life, one which I have marched toward for the majority of 5 years. I am at the top and punching at the air like some overzealous boxer, waiting for the world to see what has become of me. But with all greatness must come pain and discouragement to shadow.
From the top there is nowhere to look but down, and there I see what I have left...those I have left. Each with their own resentment toward me like a light blinding my eyes. Each knowing that it was ultimately their fault that I could not carry them with me, but sure that I will take the fall, again. After such heavy thoughts I breath is forced in and my eyes up; the world is more beautiful by the moment. The only pains which I feel now are that of hollow bones and monetary needs. Pains which I am more than happy to keep over those of my past.
Yet, I don't feel as though I have changed. My outlook has simply been altered. Rather than asking those I considered important to my future to see who I could be, who I craved to be, I forced them to see who I am and who I will ultimately prove to be. I am successful therefore I will remain successful. I am intelligent therefore my knowledge can only grow. I am beautiful. And one day, I might just believe that.

Life has finally opened its doors and let me see its reason, its truth.

As of last Saturday, the world I had so fleetingly left behind knocked on my door. First through a series of resentful messages, then through the mention of immature friends, or the break up between high school sweethearts. But, the epitome of historic shadows and the biggest skeleton in my closet was nearing my doorstep, my father. As the majority of my readers are aware, there are more fences between the two of us than the Mexican/American border.
Sadly, past dramas of my youth triggered the reaction that would have entailed had I still been drowning in that nonsense: panic, fear, anger. Then, as I continued to enjoy the freedom of healthy relationships and the path toward self assurance that my new endeavors provided me, I was reminded of what beauty exists once stupidity is removed. Birds sang as I walked to class this morning. I was able to sleep in for a few minutes. I finally finished my study guide and feel almost prepared for my mid-term. It was every little thing that provoked a new step this morning and before I knew it, I was at euphoria's door and my simple yet deep content was renewed.
I am in love with what I've met this year; friends, goals, myself. But not in the sense that I am vain or crave competition, but in the way that I am aware of what I have been given and I could never be more grateful. In no way have I been healthier emotionally and I am quite sure all can tell. My friends are fantastic, my aspirations are more plausible by the moment, and my tax returns arrived. It's as though life has come full circle, and all that I had endured was simply to allow me to enjoy/appreciate this exact moment that much more.
I know, I know. This sounds like the inside of a fortune cookie or the message sewn on a pillow, but it is truth. Veritas.
Speaking of fortune cookies, I opened the back of my cell phone to hide something away the other day and found a fortune cookie note which read, "There are big changes ahead for you". Never since the bible had words been so true in my eyes. God, I know I am inducing sugar comas left and right, but I wish only for you to feel this feeling, to know my happiness. That is why i work to express myself each day. This is why I know that I am succeeding. I want nothing more than to give others what I have right now, and that is all.

ive come to a realization as of late...im interminably happy.
honestly, i have endured some of the most disheartening moments since the beginning of semester, but have only wavered from my content about once. and, at that moment, i simply realized that its not worth it and was immediately hopeful again. i dont understand it. im the disgusting cliche of "theres always a light at the end of the tunnel" or "you've gotta look on the bright side".
im not saying that i mind at all, but when it gets to the point where i stop, look around, and realize how unreasonably happy i am, it seems to be on the verge of a mental disorder. like today for example;
i studied all night last night, fell asleep sitting up, am wearing at hat which i dont feel i am pulling off at all, and arrived at school to find that my coffee spot is closed therefore i will have no sustenance until about 3pm today. and i dont mind at all. i just kept thinking, while getting ready, that i was really lucky to wake up right on time without an alarm clock, that i squeezed in 20 minutes of semi-sleep while actually laying down, that i can use this hat related situation to test the theory that the rewards hats will succeed, and that espresso shots arent that good for me, and the coffee place must have had a problem opening this morning.

i have no intelligible base for my elation, yet i have an underlying feeling that it has to do with school. although i have signed my life away to the man and not had time to breathe, regardless of my soon to be two jobs and the two others which i will work on campus, i love it. i am meeting people that i couldnt imagine my life without, i am working hard toward my goals and finding that i am actually closer each day. i have an overwhelming pride for my work and am actually making a mark on the school. i am taking a 7 am class (which im in right now), yet i am so happy for the great teacher. he is a sweetheart and i am sure i would have failed had i not transferred.

so, as of now, i have decided to ride this wave and enjoy life for its worth. i can breathe when i graduate, and until then, i dont want any of this to slow down.
mel

tonight i cried. it wasnt tears of sadness, it wasnt of remorse. i cried tears for nikky. i cried for the friends she was taken from, the boy who has her heart, and for her family whose little girl will not be returning. her deep eyes and contagious smile radiated even from a screen of light. her friends held tight to her words, only to find that it was not tight enough. i read each update and cried for her pain. i cried for the doctors who had to see such suffering. i cried for the young woman whos life will never be the same. june 14, 2006 marks a day that hope died in many. how could any person so alive be made so dead? why a heart so true made so weak?

i sit here, crying for nikky, a girl i have never met, but will carry with me forever.

rest in peace nikky, because to know the pain which burdens my friend is to see the beauty which you possessed. you are no longer in pain, nor will you suffer. know that your family is in my prayers and i promise to take care of your friend, forever and ever.

As I sit here, listening to our goodbye song, I see what was never there.

Not the things you lacked or all that was missing from our times together, but what was hidden behind my contempt for you. The glint in your eyes that whispered you loved me, the linger of your hugs after minutes apart. How each and every door was opened by your hand, not simply automatic. I now know that my wallet stayed closed in your presence, my meat never cut itself, and I somehow always had fresh flowers. No, I now see it, I see where your perfection faulted. You weren’t my man, you were the man. Your sweet notes and surprise parties were not met with gratitude but resentment for your optimism. How could I so easily turn your yearning to hold me into an attempt at inhibiting me? You were merely taking me into your love, away from the world’s dangers. Your gentle hands were mistaken for weak, the way in which you moved the hair from my face was seen as a judgment or form of perfecting. And as you held me that night, that fateful night, I know you were not working toward satisfaction, but toward communication. Each movement was not yours, but the work of your heart. With each graze of our skin, your love screamed louder as my mistaken disgust grew. I was not your piece of meat, but your prize. You were led only by your heart and the hope of taking mine, but I was afraid. To take my heart was to take my strength, for I knew no other. That night became my enemy, because you did succeed. I was yours, my heart was yours, my body was yours. Your celebration was met with my insecurity, and for that I am sorry. My love, my life, my heart, I am sorry. As my flowers wilt and my doors remain jammed, I see your perfect mannerisms. While I cut my hair away from my face, I miss your ease to clear each strand, how every movement was done with care, to ensure that I was excused from the least of any discomfort. And I know, with each falling peace, I am taking your opportunity to aid me ever again. No longer can you hold me, no longer may you love me, for with each moment, you pulled me deeper and deeper into a world foreign to my eyes. I am a woman driven by rules and laws, by intellect, and who may love and know anything? Who can study the ways in which to love someone? How one reacts when loved? How to grow with love rather than away from it? What law states that the one you long for most must return the feelings? I can’t. I could never give you the love which you so deserve, and I am the one lacking as a result. I know I am incomplete without you and will forever remain so, but it is the only way I may allow you to attain that one love that loves you back. So, as our song ends, as each chord sighs your name, I turn of my radio. I leave it the way I left you…alone and unfinished.

Regretfully Yours

what is the point of existence?
the bible says that god made adam, then eve, simply for companionship. but why would any with such power and magnitude look for company in dirt, quite literally...dirt. and then, going passed that, what is god? why, in the midst of all that is nothing, would a sole being exist?
but, for the sake of shortening this thought process, ill return to the existence of adam and eve. as previously stated, they were made for friendship, fellowship, but what happened when they ate from a tree? they were shunned and forced to procreate simply to continue their punishment. why would a god search for comfort in people who he would clearly make unequal to himself? could one with such great power really find solace in conversation with someone they considered below them? were they created not for comfort, but to fulfill some sort of egotistical idea of self? to know that, although they had once been alone amidst nothing, they are now the ruler and creator of all...
and why then, would he create friends which are made to multiply? what good does that do? "hey, im gonna make some beings out of dirt, which are in the likeness of me but not as powerful, and have them reproduce so that i would, inevitably, not have the companionship with them that they would have with themselves?" and why, then, would he make a person, see that he was alone, like himself, and not offer himself as a friend, but make another person. did he simply make toys? were we to be his playthings until we turned on him? have we, as existing beings, become the discarded toys left when they broke?
if you consider it, it is disgustingly disturbing to think that the god which led men to fight and cross seas and starve and heal and study could be a god which leads on until we dont follow through.
after this process of thought, i have become frustrated and still, hopeful. i hope that what my mother has taught me for years is true. that these thoughts are simply the devil creeping into my mind. and of course, as each religious reflection has resulted before, my faith surpasses my doubt, and i am certain that something greater is out there. even if it isnt the god i have chosen to believe in, there is a purpose for our existence. this purpose is not to breathe, it is not to survive. it is to love. it is to appreciate. it is, simply, to understand that the universe and its purposes surpass all which exists in our worlds, and nothing can slow time. it is only this time which god has given us that allows us the chance to love. and for that, i am blessed.

moments like these prove that, although a deep love for rain may surpass many emotions, it doesnt change the depression that reflection may bring. it wasnt even reflection that brought about my tears. it was more a movie. the sisterhood of the traveling pants.
stupid movie. it tricks you.it starts out with love. love of friends, love of life, a love life. then, they all face their problems. one is unable to see her new love any more. another loses a newly dear friend, while her companion reflects on the past death of her mother and the effects it has had on her life. then comes carmen. the latin, "voluptuous", outspoken teenager. she finds that visiting her estranged father brings nothing but pain and surfaces lies which had otherwise been lost. he had a new family, which he openly appreciated. he was the perfect father to someone else's children. he was the perfect husband to a wife other than her mother. carmen's frustration built to the point of explosion and she expresses her anger through a shattering window.
as the pieces of glass fell, so did my tears. she was me. i was her. we were the same person. and yet, she cried out of pain, a sense of abandonment. i cried out of hate. is it the same? no. i have dealt with my pain. i have undergone hours of self-reflection which led me to the light at the end of the tunnel. i have proven to be nothing but happy since my emotional recovery. but tonight, tonight is a story of remembrance. i remembered the pain my father put me through and i hated it, rather than him. i hated the fact that he had effected me in so many ways. i hated that i allowed him to hurt me even after he was out of my life.
now, as i clean the residue of dried tears from my cheeks, i hurt. i feel vulnerable and resentful. i am incapable of explaining why, yet i also feel strong. each realization of hurt brings me closer to completely removing him from my mind, my heart, my psyche. i am entirely aware of the negative effects he has had on me, yet i am sure none know the positive. i have grown from my pain and become a "wounded healer". i am able to appreciate every one of the gifts presented with every day i awake. i am positive that life is nothing more than i can handle, because i have already put my toughest fight behind me. i take comfort in knowing that any hurdle i face in the future may easily be surpassed, for the highest has already been conquered.
and now, as the rain slows and the channel is changed, i am thankful for this evening. without it, i may never have obtained such a euphoria as i have now.

i am the person you can come home to
the girl who, when you look at her, you see yourself.

not the self you see in the mirror, but the self that youve known all along.
the self you dont need a mirror to see
the self that only another half can reveal.

when you promised me nemo and a night of cuddling,
i told you you knew me too well
then you turned to me, looked me in the eyes
and said that you didnt
that you only knew yourself





today has been a GREAT day.
mel

i just had the most intensely out of body experience.
it was sparked by nothing more than a quick trip outside to get something from my car...but the moment i first reached the driveway, the world grew to be its actual size.
i saw it in all its grandieur, as something more than my cul-de-sac, but as a part of something bigger. it is immensely difficult to describe the feeling i had in any other way but to say that i was the smallest person in the world, fighting to cross a lifeless street.
im not quite sure if it was my fatigue coupled with my fear of the unknown, but i am still incapable of fully comprehending what has just happened.
i am in no means connotating the event as negative, but merely a moment of awakening.maybe philosophers past had something when they spoke of the end of history, of the moment of enlightenment, when all would become clear...only a moment too late.

as several of you know, i am quite fond of communicating events and emotions which some would otherwise confuse, especially through means of literature, but i find the ability to depict the event that took place, only literally, no more than 20 feet away from my very location. the second the light of the flickering lampost glinted off of my glasses, and my bare feet hit the dampened pavement, i sank into my surroundings. then, after trudging onward, wading through my underlying fear, i was confident in my mission. said mission was merely the retrieval of my beloved cell phone, but, regardless of the mediocre severity of my needs, something deeper propelled me onward, something that no person or place could have ever stirred in me.

the walk back was no less gruesome on my anxious mind. the very tap of my heel onto my porch sent me into a tailspin of the various ways a murderer may have entered my home without my knowledge or the myriad of questionable men that may possibly be lurking behind my back. still mysteriously driven, i opened by door with an assured sense of confidence and returned to life in a safety and warmth that i had long since taken advantage of.

so, on could easily conclude that two lessons were learned during this mind boggling trance: one, despite any fear or increase of anxiety, i am capable of achieving any and all which i put my mind to. two, to finally realize the comfort i take in my home is proof enough that i am still the person i had once been, only better now for being who she wants to be as well.

honestly, i am still baffled.
and grateful.
mel

rapists, condoms, and stick figures beware.
these are the trials of a student without a car.
how, you may ask do these lead to the cirque de soleil?
i ask you how you ended up here, thinking you deserved this chance.

around and around this island.
every man, woman, and child must pay this toll
your heels click as you venture toward you ticket out
but really how far did you go before your next price was paid?

these utterly damaged particles are ringing through the structures
the mail is gathering just steps away from you
sending and receiving the acceptance and rejection of millions
while only looking to be the artist you have ventured to be

your ticket has yet to be called
but still your phone rings iwth opportunities
but only you can take the initiative

1. Please write a short autobiography.
Life, like the infamous box of chocolates, is continuously unpredictable, you never quite know what you are going get. It is like those chocolate addicts of America, then, that I jump at the chance for a new adventure, a new taste of life. From venture to venture, I have seen and learned, I have read and grown, I have listened and adapted. It is from these experiences that I have become who I am today. From my childhood, I have learned to stay strong, to trust despite even the most horrible circumstances. From my mother I have seen various hair colors, one tattoo, and one of the strongest bonds any daughter could hope for. From high school I have learned teamwork in the form of a strenuous softball team, and had a taste of the real life through an adult’s eyes. Now, as I enter what I hope to be the “best years of your life” phase, I plan on becoming everything I have ever aspired to be. One such aspiration lies in my education. After completing my four years at Cal State University Fullerton, I plan on continuing on to the University of California Irvine to obtain my graduate degree, then my Psy. D. Once I have become an established psychologist, I plan on starting and running my own practice, dedicated to various fields of counseling, in order to better serve the public.
Until then, I can only ensure that I will be the best me I can be. Each day, I awake to a glass half full and venture out into a world that I alone have made for myself. I am unique in my ability to ruin jokes and obnoxious in my laughter. I appreciate even the smallest gestures, and I pride myself in being one of the best friends you will ever have (I say this, of course, as a person who wants nothing more than the best for those who make them happiest). I am true as the sun, yet as complicated as the decision between regular m and m’s and peanut m and m’s (honestly, who can make that decision?). I am entirely imperfect, and in love with what life has to offer. I smell the roses, then pick them and put them in my hair. I wear sweaters in the most stifling heat. I am entirely allergic to milk and milk related products, but have yet to give up my ice cream. I have always dreamed of being the pink ranger, but have always settled for the yellow (I guess I look more like her). I love to write, for through writing a person entirely unknown to the writer may, for a moment, feel everything that they themselves feel. I love photography, because I am given the chance to depict what I see and catch beauty at its most innocent. I love to draw. I love to skip. I hate running, but I’ll do it if asked to.
All in all, one can only deduce that I am the only person like me that they will ever meet, and that is more than enough for me.

2. Why do you want to be a volunteer camp counselor?
As I stand, I am a survivor, one who has endured despite the most difficult of times. I have grown from each hardship and become stronger while remaining grounded in who I am. Throughout said occurrences, though, I was never lead to believe that I was alone. I always had an influence in my life which led me to believe that I had potential, that I was special. Now it is my turn to pass the torch and prove to the younger generations that one is not chosen but given the opportunities to succeed. I hope to provide guidance for children who feel lost in their current situations, and be a friend to all. Each child that is allowed a trip to Camp Titan is also entitled to a life altering experience, and I want nothing more than to be a part of that. I am also interested in meeting people who work to better our campus and make friendships that will last for a long time.

3. Tell us the ways you have prepared yourself to be a camp counselor.
After two years as an active member of our society’s workforce, I have found that the best preparation is found in the teamwork and sense of community necessary for completing everyday tasks. I am currently a server at Polly’s Pies Bakery and Café, which further strengthens the concept that you must work as a team to achieve a single job. Without my coworkers, I would be left serving empty plates and dirty silverware. I have also realized the importance of a child’s happiness in a group setting. The ultimate test of a server has become serving a table at which several children are seated. The moment one is unhappy, everyone and their brother has the sudden urge to cry. I myself have proven capable of succeeding in such a situation, and I am proud to say that I have learned to make even the most somber child happy.

4. Tell us about your experiences working with children and what you’ve learned from those experiences.
As a proud Mexican, Filipino, Hawaiian, Norwegian, Irish, American woman, I am overbearingly proud of the family that comes along with such a heritage. As the oldest of three children, an aunt to two, a cousin to thousands and a god mother to a few, I have had ample training in the field of child care. From diaper changing to food preparation, I have found that I am capable of withstanding any and all obstacles a child could throw my way. From my relatives I have also learned a sense of community and teamwork, which are necessary in accomplishing daily tasks for the numbers, and I have seen the impact that an older person has on a life. I also served as a student leader at my church, North Orange Christian Church, for some time, learning ways to interact and communicate with kids in junior high.

5. Tell us about your previous camping or counseling experience.
Since childhood, I have been blessed with the chance to experience life in nature, with tents, lanterns and the whole shebang. Because of the years I’ve spent camping, I am better able to appreciate and embrace all that nature has to offer. From waking up to the damp dew atop my tent to fishing in the rain, I have enjoyed every moment I have had camping. I have also attended a church camp, which, proved to be some of the best experiences of my life. Not only did I make friends which I continue to have today, I have learned first hand what it is like to be a child in a world outside of their own, how important every and all moments are when at camp.
And, as I previously stated, I was student leader at my church, which made it possible for me to plan and operate events for the kids, while still keeping an important lesson behind each activity. Every child is important and different in their own way, and I feel there is no better way to find this out than having been a leader.

6. How did you learn about Camp Titan?
I heard about Camp Titan at the Titan Tusk Force and from the various donation containers in the numerous Titan stores across campus.

so, ive decided that life is finally becoming what i had hoped it would be.
i am becoming the person ive wanted to be simply by making better decisions and, to be blunt, cutting people out of my life that needed not to be there.

i am finding my confidence (which i learned had been shattered by my educational facilities), in the corners of my mind...hidden beneath my shame.

i feel as though these decisions have allowed me to remove harmful pieces of me, like extra coats on a warm day. with each layer removed, another better, lighter one is brought forward. im tired of wearing my insecurities on my sleeve. ive decided that it will simply be my heart and my confidence...and from there you may decide how you feel about me.

i am more proud of me than ever, and each day that i spend awake, i am more aware of my accomplishments. honestly, it seems as though life is getting better and better...despite the pestering of various passerby in my journey.

im not writing simply to provoke envy, nor am i doing to to make myself feel better. i am only dictating my current state of contentment in order to make it more real to myself. it is difficult for a person who has worked so hard in their life to realize that they have arrived at the point they had sought out for so long...and by writing and speaking my arrival, i can take comfort in knowing that i have arrived. i am here. i have so many more places to reach, but this is definitely...by far...the best first arrival i could have ever anticipated. and i am positive that i have nowhere but up to go, nothing but success to achieve, and no one but true people to encounter.


i wanted to thank all of you on here. you have definitely seen me at my lowest and know that i am still amidst the worst...but it has been your support and love that has gotten me here. honestly, i owe you big time.

mel

you say you are the dream. you conquered with the justification that you came in peace. you stole in the day and slept well knowing that you were achieving what was rightfully yours.
but where was i lost in that interpretation? why must your dream be mine? when you conquered, you passed the piece, the drug, the facade that it was for my best. what you stole in the day was more than my land, my home, my self esteem; it was my happiness. you as a people scorn me, the color of my skin, yet you run to the tanning salons the moment your concealer varies. you as a society scorn the fact that two of you could fit into one of my articles of clothing.
i wake up to your radio stations, to your alarm clocks (made by my family), and to the sunshine you swear you provided. i venture out to the kitchen which does not match your martha stewart decor and poor myself a bowl of cereal that promises to lower my weight and cholesterol because you say that i am fat. i get dressed according to your latest vogue, i drive the cars you mass produce, fooling me into thinking it was made just for me. well, the previous owner thought so too.
you tell me that if i wanted to change, i would. you say that i am not smart enough according to your standards (standards by which most other countries look down upon). the slant of my eyes forces you to assume that i was the one that slipped away. you blame me for taking your spot in a college, based on your version of affirmative action. you think that i would not appreciate all that you as a people have, that i am used to living without. you tell me that life is not fair, but why not? i have the same characterisitics as you, but for some reason i have to work that much harder to prove that i deserve as much as you.
you say that we as a people are the minorities, but my friend, you are the minority. you are the men and women that should wonder if you are good enough in comparison to our numbers. yet, your television, your education, your books, and your lifestyles tells me each and every day that i am not your equal, but simply your neighbor. i am not your relative, but the girl next door to the girl next door.
you say that peaceful protests are some of the most effective way to get our points across, but i guess you meant your peaceful protests. more than 3 of us in one place turns heads, but only those that wish to do harm. should we walk quickly down a street, you think that we've just committed a crime. you make fun of us when you see our cars driving by, filled with the tools we've obtained in order to better our lives, and yet you still dont see us asking for money by the freeways. we may do jobs that you look down upon, but imagine what would happen when YOU stopped begging for eachothers money.
you tell me im beautiful, that i am exotic, that the mixture of my blood was one well concocted, but i am still not pretty enough. my face does not match my body according to your magazines. your celebrities suffer physical and mental discretions just so they can take a picture that will make young girls cry. you make me cry because i cant find my size in your diminishing clothing racks. my petite shoes, my ankles, my eyes; they are seen as gold, yet my body, it is disgusting.
so thank you society, for building a society that you can be proud of. thank you, dear country, for embracing those you have pushed to the back of your mind. thank you, uncle sam, for allowing us to fight for a country that is still unable to fight for us.
but believe me, you will soon see a revolution. a revolution of mind, a revolution of life, a revolution of vision.
GOD BLESS AMERICA.

its when the people you let go of let go of you that you want them the most.
one persons trash is anothers treasure, but im sure its mine to keep.
i let go of people so easily sometimes, that i dont take the time to realize it...so when i see them, or hear of them living their lives, i become the self involved person who never imagined them doing so.


to whom it may concern,

i let go of you because i knew it was best for me. i let go of you because you hurt me more than even my enemies had. i let go of you because that is what a woman does to a man who treats her that way. but ive just come to learn that my heart hasnt let go yet. i am so quick to get over things, over people, yet i think i stored you away rather than going cold turkey. i just recently threw out your belongings that you left before your unexpected mistakes. i still have our pictures together. i still have the gifts your family gave me, after they realized that i was the girl in your life. i still wear your necklace. i still talk about you (as casually as i can muster). i think of you whenever i go to "our" places. i still am tempted to call you once im out of school, once im off of work, as soon as i wake up. my mind left you so long ago, yet my heart is still yours. i havent cried yet. i havent allowed myself to cry over you, a boy. im not that type of girl. i dont have to be. i cant be. you, who had once been the best part of my life, quickly became my downfall. when i crave your voice, i have to remind myself of your lies, your ease with forgetting me, the things you said to me. rather than talking myself into being someones friend, i have to talk myself away from you. and, one thing that always differed between the two of us, has been my devotion. unlike you, i stick with what i say. should i have a goal, i will achieve it. when i say that i will be a certain person, i am. and when i state my beliefs, my morals, those are all that i can live by.
and, like the closing of most relationships, i am doing so much better. but not in the way that i had hoped. i am stronger, but i am also cold. i have so many new friends, but i dont get too close to any of them. i have achieved what i have put my mind to. i am succeeding in school. i am making a name for myself in this world, faster than i had ever dreamed. but, rather than rejoicing in the decision that separated us, which inevitably led me to happiness, i want so much to share it with you. i didnt want to succeed in spite of you, i wanted to succeed with you. we spoke of so many things to come, we dreamed of our lives together. we talked about the trips we would take. and now, i can only think of things that are coming, my dreams are limited to myself, and you have taken that trip...our trip. i dont resent you for it, because that is the way you know how to deal, is to get back at someone. but, your last message. the last words i have ever heard from you. they have the power of breaking my heart every time.
and those words, that message, will be the last that i ever hear from you. it was that message that forced me to stand up for myself, finally. it was that message that ALLOWED me to move on. and, despite whatever my heart may feel right now, i take comfort in knowing that you will forever know that it was your fault and yours alone. this is the last time i will speak of you. this is the last time i will miss you. this is the last time i will write to you. and this is the last time you will ever hurt me. i am not sorry.

melyssa ann dulce delacruz perchez

it was today you said your life was worthless
it was yesterday that you could not bare
it will be tomorrow that you see no light at the end of the tunnel
-no silver lining to the clouds i playfully identified

it was today that i cried for you
it was yesterday that i sought for ways to make you smile
it will be tomorrow that i shine a light onto your greatness
-blinding the world with your reflected beauty

it was today we sat thinking of everything weve done together
it was yesterday we laid in the grass and waited for the stars to watch us
it will be tomorrow that the world dies
-with a pain none had ever identified

it was today that i knocked on your door looking for your face
it was yesterday that you didnt call me back
it will be tomorrow that i go to your funeral.
-praying that at least you could find the happiness i couldnt give you.

im drinking a smoothie-melon madness-that tastes like cotton candy.
the spaniards in the southwest which became the southwest resist.
they arent latinos.they arent mexicans.they are spanish.whatever they look like.

old old old castilion you say? no, now we're adding white people.
as in bob + chase = billy?
now its subtractive americanization.
texas - ohio = rhode island?
believe me, there are good things.

in all honesty, im tired of white boy mexican over there who resists any form of mexican pride. not bilingual.doesnt think there is any discrimination or inequality. nor does he seem to take pride in his heritage, the darkness of his skin.

now the filipinos are telling us about advancements in mexico.
right on.
did you know that richard rodriguez is gay?
i bet he spoke mexican too.
i think the guy speaking is gay too. he has that bitch girl voice.
the guy presenting is cute.there, i said it.

and im wearing my tiffanys necklace, not because it is tiffanys, but because i am questioning my decisions again.
he called me yesterday.
thats where it began and ended.

why do you have to learn english to "catch up"?
what is skype?
why did i have a conversation yesterday in all bay area lingo?
how did guppy get the last name guppy?
did fabio look like fabio on purpose?
what about fergie?could he make dinner reservations and get the vip treatment set up before he goes places?

that would be neat.